What Hurts The Most
by hermeres
Summary: Hermione is left to pick up the pieces of her shattered hopes and dreams after the final battle. How will she come to term with the chaos?


**_DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER, ONLY THIS PLOT._**

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Hermione felt like a zombie just woken up from her slumber. She couldn't feel anything except a numb ache in her heart, mind, everything in her body practically. She had been out of her mind when she went looking for him. They had been separated shortly before Voldemort fell. Hermione had seen Minerva hit with some hex that left her lying twenty feet from her earlier position and saw a pool of blood slowly coming from her. He had seen two sixth year students ready to be ambushed when he looked over to Hermione. They met each others eyes and nodded their heads as they took off for the separate locations to separate them.

_Can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
That don't bother me  
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out  
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while  
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me  
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok  
But that's not what gets me_

Hermione found herself in the Infirmary looking for her love. She didn't see him out on the field littered of bodies and destruction. She had hope that she would find him here, only to be treated and send her through a useless panic. She passed rows of beds occupied by students brave enough to take a stand against a great evil, parents who had come to protect their children, Ministry Officials who came to aid Harry Potter in the downfall of Voldemort, teachers of the school as well as Order members. But the one person she wanted the most in the world was no where in sight.

_What hurts the most  
Was being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was tryin' to do_

She stood numbly in the hall as Dumbledore explained the situation. He had been killed. He gave his life to save the two students that he saw were endanger. He died a horrific death. He had been hit with a whipping hex combined with a stinging hex. Cuts and welts adorned his face as he diverted the Deatheater for the children to get to safety. She stood there not knowing what to do. Should she break down and cry as she wanted? Cry her heart break to the world? Fight and deny everything to keep him alive, at least to her? Or should she just accept it and what? Move on? No she straightened her slouched shoulders, picked her head up, cleared her misty eyes, nodding to Dumbledore she turned around and fled the corridor as fast as she could in her slow pace.

She ended up in front of his door. The door she had crossed over a thousand times to be greeted by his smile, his eyes from where he would sit in his favorite chair. Now all she saw was darkness and his empty chair. She stayed there in her spot, willing herself to move as she heard footsteps coming down the corridor. Walking hastily in, she closed the door warding it so she could be alone for as long as she could. She practically ran to the back room to stop mid stride as she came upon his bed. She saw memories of them in there. Him making love to her the first time, endless hours of watching each other sleep when the other thinks they believed them to sleep, and endless discussions of their many interest. She would no longer have them. She slowly moved to the bed to pull back the black, silk sheets to fall into his smell. Lavender and sandalwood made their way to her nose to bring on a wave of sobs. She laid there in bed, clutching his pillow as tried to surround herself in all that she had left.

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go  
But I'm doin' It  
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone  
Still Harder  
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret  
But I know if I could do it over  
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart  
That I left unspoken_

She woke up to find Minerva standing over her. Telling her she needed to get up and come to the funerals of the fallen. That she needed to have this closure so she could move on with her life. Hermione flew into a rage at being told to forget her love. She couldn't forget him for all the pain, love, and money in the world. He was her soul mate and now she felt empty. Empty as Ron's stomach when you kept food away from him for an hour. Nothing would be able to feel this void of hopelessness.

After forcing Minerva from the room, she walked over to the mirror to see her looking of death. Her hair had gone back to its frizzy-ness, her eyes were that of raccoon, and her clothes were disarrayed. She couldn't, no wouldn't let herself look like this at his funeral. She was going to be the way he loved her when she said good-bye. Picking up her long forgotten wand that laid aimlessly on the nightstand, she moved her wand up and down till she was dressed in a black dress that went down to her mid-calf, a green ribbon tied on the back. Her hair returned to its normal, thin, sleek shine as well as her makeup fixed. She would say good bye but she would do it the way he would want.

She kept herself held up in his room two days after the funeral. She did nothing but stay in bed and weep. When she had no more tears to cry, no more heart-wrenching sobs from her lungs and her inability to speak, did she rise from the bed and look at the objects she never took the time to notice. She came across a journal opened to a page full of directions and ingredients. Must've been some new potion. She noticed he had stopped mid sentence, as if he was called away thinking he could finish later.

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

One photo graced his bedroom and that was on the night stand. It was of them. It had been taking without their knowledge as they attended the annual Hogwarts picnic. She had left his side for a second to talk to an old friend, when Deatheaters had attacked. There were no deaths but that didn't stop him from going berserk. He had been a madman on a mission with his search of her, that when he found her he grabbed her and hugged her. The hug was as if it was a lifeline, until he let go and started yelling at her for being careless to leave his side. She had fought to keep her mouth shut as he yelled at her, when she knew it was of concern and care that caused him to become like this. After his ranting had been done, he steered her towards the castle and jogged up to his room where he proceeded to put all his anger, care and happiness as he made love to her. After finally collapsing from exhaustion did he utter the three words she longed to hear, only to repeat four words to him as they consummated their love another time.

Next she came to his dresser. She wanted to get out of these clothes but had no energy to transfigure some or even make the trip up to her room. She had always wanted to where his shirt and boxers, it seemed wrong but if she could keep his scent on her as long as she could, it wouldn't matter. She proceeded to drag out his long, sleeve, black collared shirt to find a pair of boxers next to it. She smiled as she slid them on her body. This was just another way she was able to keep him with her.

When she was done placing the boxers on she looked up to find a small velvet box. Her breath hitched as she thought of it being something to concrete there plans they had talked about. Picking up the small, black, velvet case she opened it to find a emerald engagement ring, with platinum band and tiny diamonds along the band. He was going to make it official. Hermione moved over to the bed as she took the ring out of its holder.

She dropped the ring box as she sat down staring at it. It was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. She had not wanted a ring, all she wanted was him, but he had gone against her will and gotten the ring anyway. Newly rejuvenated tears made their way down her face as she laid back on her side to think of all she could have had with him. Love, friendship, loyalty, companionship and kids. She wanted kids with him, she expressed the idea the first time she knew it wouldn't freak him out and he was just as happy about it as well, wanting her to be the father of his children. But now that would never happen.

_What hurts the most  
Is being so close  
And having so much to say  
And watching you walk away  
And never knowing  
What could have been  
And not seeing that loving you  
Is what I was trying to do_

_Not seeing that loving you  
That's what I was trying to do_

Hermione woke up to find herself in her bed with her love next to her. She watched as his chest slowly rised to show he was sleeping. She watched as his black, silk hair fell into his eyes, concealing them from her view. The moonlight covered his body in its pale light, showing all of his scars that came with a huge price. The price being a world free of bigotry tyrants, safety of muggleborns such as herself, and a safe environment. She raised her right hand to softly touch his face, to see him shiver and open his eyes to see her.

"Hey." He said in such a small, loving whisper.

"Hiya." He looked at her with so much love, she thought she'd explode. His eyes turned to concern as he saw the tears in here eyes.

"What's the matter love?" He asked in such a gentle tone as if anything could be solved by it.

"Do you remember the aftermath of the final battle?"

"Yes, I do. Bloody horrible war. Still can't believe the Hospital mistaken me for some else." He stated bitterly. "Why? You had the dream again didn't you?" She gave him a nod to confirm his suspicions. "Oh honey. I'm here now and that's what matters. Come on, you need to sleep for you and the baby." Severus soothingly stated as he positioned his 8 month pregnant wife closer to him.

"I can't help thinking how I almost lost you." Hermione whispered as he patted her head to sooth her. "I don't think I can go to sleep for a while with it fresh in my mind."

"I have a way for you to forget it for one night." Hermione whipped her head up to him with a pleading look. "Glad I have your full attention." He chuckled as he leaned her over towards him. He placed a soft kiss on her awaiting lips as his hands moved over her. His right holding her head towards him as she took control and his left caressing her nipple. Hearing her moan a few times, he moved his left hand down farther to find her wet. Slipping her panties down as far as he could, he lifter her right leg to bring more room for his 'attention'. Sliding into her with ease, he made himself reacquainted with his wife, his love, his child's mother and most of all his soul mate.

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**_Hoped you like it. Didn't quite go into detail cause I still live at home and here I'm considered the perfect virginal daughter. Review. I want your opinions._**


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